15 Best Ducky Quotes From NCIS

The best quotes from Ducky in NCIS perfectly encapsulated the medical examiner’s quirky personality. For over two decades, David McCallum played Dr. Donald “Ducky” Mallard, the team’s veteran chief medical examiner. The character sadly departed the series in NCIS season 21 after David McCallum died at 90 years of age. Appropriately, the cast of NCIS paid respects to their beloved colleague and cherished friend in a Ducky tribute episode.

Ducky was filled with quips of wisdom and Scottish charm, many captured forever when the NCIS cameras rolled. Ducky’s best quotes encompass every era of NCIS, with the A Man from U.N.C.L.E. actor serving as a steadfast part of the show he was a part of. Until McCallum’s death, Ducky was a series veteran, until the actor’s fate mirrored the character in NCIS season 21.

15 “Well, That Depends. Who’s Your Grandmother?”

NCIS Season 10, Episode 12, “Shiva”

David McCallum said, “Well, that depends. Who’s your grandmother?” in NCIS season 10, episode 12, “Shiva.” Ducky was working through the night with Abby and McGee when the deputy director of Mossad, Ilan Bodnar, came to NCIS Headquarters looking for Ziva David. Ducky quipped that the director should “take a number” since everyone there was wondering the same thing about Ziva, and all were concerned about her at that time.

Bodnar’s retort suggested that Dr. Mallard was just an older man with no actual business in NCIS, asking, “Whose grandfather would you be?” However, Ducky dished the attitude right back, responding with a memorable quip that showed he wasn’t one to take an insult lying down. The look on Bodnar’s face showed that Ducky’s reply was perfect, and made the moment even more worthy of applause.

14 “I Can’t Wait To Weigh Your Liver.”

NCIS Season 1, Episode 16, “Bête Noire”

Ducky said, “I can’t wait to weigh your liver,” to NCIS antagonist Ari Haswari in season 1, episode 16, “Bête Noire.” The Mossad double agent snuck into NCIS Headquarters in a body bag and held Ducky, Gerald, and Kate hostage in autopsy. Ari told Ducky that if he or anyone else lied to him, he would shoot Gerald in the shoulder, which he did after Ducky and Kate tried to trick him.

Ducky was trying to stop Gerald’s bleeding when the phone rang as Gibbs called from MTAC on the other line. Ducky instructed Kate to stop the bleeding and then carefully spoke his way through the phone call as Ari instructed him. When he got off the phone, he told Ari he couldn’t wait to weigh his liver. This was a harsh statement since Ducky pretty much let Ari know that he wanted to see him die and would take pleasure in the moment he conducted the autopsy. It was Ducky’s most hardcore quote.

13 “I Have A Hunger Condition.”

NCIS Season 20, Episode 4, “Leave No Trace”

Jimmy and Ducky were having lunch at the diner when Ducky said, “I have a hunger condition,” in NCIS season 20, episode 4, “Leave No Trace.” The MCRT’s ME was coaching Jimmy about feeling some jealousy in his relationship with Jessica Knight. After their meal was interrupted by a case, Ducky sat in an ambulance, with Jimmy expressing concern over his heart condition. Dr. Mallard responded with this remark, requesting McGee and Torres get him a fresh sandwich.

This was a funny moment, but it fit Ducky perfectly. The last thing he wanted was for anyone to worry about him, and he would often deflect anyone’s concerns about his health. Ducky was older than everyone else at the NCIS headquarters, and he was always worried about people looking down on him, thanks to his age. He would deflect all concerns for anything healthwise, and this was a perfect example, simply saying he was hungry and nothing more.

12 “Would You Like Me To Perform An Autopsy On Your Watch?”

NCIS Season 6, Episode 8, “Cloak”

Ducky asked Leroy Jethro Gibbs, “Do you want me to perform an autopsy on your watch?” in NCIS season 6, episode 8, “Cloak.” After the team went to investigate a dead sailor in a box, Tony and Ziva returned to the top-secret military facility to learn more. In a flashback to three days earlier, Gibbs was shown in the autopsy room fiddling with his watch as Dr. Palmer and Dr. Mallard settled business.

When Ducky asked what he was still doing there, Gibbs removed his watch and said he was “just killing time.” In a perfect display of the character’s humor, Ducky asked if Gibbs wanted him to perform an autopsy on his watch, executing an excellent punchline to quip back to Gibbs’ idiom. Over his time on NCIS, Ducky was often quick when it came to his dry sense of humor, and Gibbs was often his audience.

11 “Use The Clutch! Good God, Man, Use The Clutch!”

NCIS Season 3, Episode 2, “Kill Ari Part II”

Ducky said, “Use the clutch! Good God, man, use the clutch!” in NCIS season 3, episode 2, “Kill Ari Part II — arguably one of the best episodes of NCIS. Ari captured Gerald to lure Ducky out of NCIS Headquarters. When Ducky meets up with them, the villain executes his plan to kidnap the MCRT’s ME. Dr. Mallard didn’t know that Ari intended to let Gerald leave the situation unharmed, so he instructed his assistant to take his car and run for it once he met Ari at the other end of the block.

As Ducky greeted Ari, Gerald attempted to take off in Dr. Mallard’s car but could not work the gears. Ducky yelled this line as Gerald stripped the gears of his classic car while he and Ari shared a cringe. This was a humorous quip during a very tense moment on NCIS, which given Ducky’s dry sense of humor and pathos, worked perfectly coming from him in the moment.

10 “Oh, Please, It’s Not That Impressive. It’s Not As If They Were Real Ninjas.”

NCIS Season 4, Episode 6, “Witch Hunt”

When the team was called to investigate a crime on Halloween night in NCIS season 4, episode 6, “Witch Hunt,” Ducky said, “Oh, please, it’s not that impressive. It’s not as if they were real ninjas.” After Gibbs, McGee, Tony, and Ziva had assessed the crime scene and made a plan, the NCIS medical examiner’s van finally arrived. However, his van’s front windshield was spattered with eggs, which worried his colleagues as they looked at him walking up to them.

Ducky apologized for their tardiness and explained they had “a minor run-in with some local youths.” The scene was funny, as his colleagues were obviously worried about a group of youngsters suddenly ganging up on the elderly Ducky, but as he does most of the time, Ducky shrugged it off. He emphasized these were just kids and not “real ninjas,” so he wasn’t concerned, and his colleagues should stop worrying about him as well.

9 “No Matter, Mr. Palmer. Rest Assured That By My Side, You Will Be Hauling Ass.”

NCIS Season 13, Episode 18, “Scope”

Ducky said, “No matter, Mr. Palmer. Rest assured that by my side, you will be hauling ass,” in NCIS season 13, episode 18, “Scope.” Tony, McGee, and Ellie made a “spring-cleaning pact” to motivate each other. The Very Special Agent reported to his team he had cleaned his junk drawer and found a gift certificate for Angelini’s Italian Restaurant. Jimmy decided to tag along but was the only one without a motorcycle license.

As he fretted about his circumstances, Ducky delivered the quote to his successor, who hopped into the sidecar and rode into the night. This was hilarious, since Jimmy was more than half Ducky’s age, but the long-time medical examiner was someone who was still going full speed in life. Out of everyone who was getting onto the motorcycles that night, Ducky was the least obvious, and he ended up being the one who was the most self-assured, which is no surprise for the character.

8 “The Sky Is Blue, The Grass Is Green, May We Have Our Halloween?”

NCIS Season 4, Episode 6, “Witch Hunt”

Ducky said, “The sky is blue, the grass is green, may we have our Halloween?” in NCIS season 4, episode 6, “Witch Hunt.” The doctor delivered this line to a little girl, Sarah, who had a traumatic Halloween night and missed out on all the fun. By the time she was rescued, it was still Halloween night, resulting in Sarah trick-or-treating around the bullpen.

Ducky told Sarah that the rhyme is how they used to say “trick or treat” in Scotland. Ducky was filled with tokens of wisdom, and it was on-brand for him to share knowledge from his past to brighten a moment in someone’s present, but it was especially cute that he cheered up a crestfallen child. While he often seemed stiff and rough, Ducky also had a heart of gold, and when it came to someone like a little girl in need, he was a perfect gentleman.

7 “If You Listen, The Dead Will Speak.”

NCIS Season 15, Episode 3, “Exit Strategy”

Ducky said, “If you listen, the dead will speak,” in NCIS season 15, episode 3, “Exit Strategy,” when he was at the University of Edinburgh in Scotland, giving a guest lecture and receiving an honorary degree. In the lecture, Ducky revealed his medical examiner philosophy: if a person talked to the dead, they would speak back. He discussed a case of central significance to his philosophy, wherein a killer disposed of a body stitched inside another dead body.

Dr. Donald “Ducky” Mallard’s iconic lecture at the University of Edinburgh is revisited in
NCIS
season 21, episode 2, “The Stories We Leave Behind.”

In the lecture, Ducky advised the inspired students to know who was on their table and talk to them. This quote was special for Ducky because he delivered his philosophy to a room full of excited students. While some of the students were skeptical of Ducky’s process of talking to dead bodies while on the NCIS autopsy slab, he told the students that was where the dead reveal their secrets. This was a message that Ducky lived by on NCIS, and he wanted to ensure the next generation understood it as well.

6 “You And I Know That All Life Is A Near-Death Experience.”

NCIS Season 14, Episode 21, “One Book, Two Covers”

Dr. Mallard said, “You and I know that all life is a near-death experience,” in NCIS season 14, episode 21, “One Book, Two Covers,” and the quote perfectly encapsulated Ducky’s personal and professional life. Dr. Mallard and Dr. Palmer were discussing dead bodies in the NCIS autopsy. Jimmy remarked that it was sad to see people coming in young. While Ducky agreed, he offered a different perspective.

The quote perfectly described the medical examiner’s outlook on life because, while he was an optimistic soul, Ducky had seen more than his fair share of deaths. His comment suggested that Ducky acknowledged that everyone on Earth was lucky to be alive. He, more than anyone, as an experienced medical examiner, knew that death could always be around the next corner. Ducky was at the stage where it didn’t matter if people were young or old; everyone’s deaths were equal in his eyes.

5 “Yesterday Is Over, Sad As That May Seem. But Change Is The Essence Of Life.”

NCIS Season 19, Episode 5, “Face The Strange”

Dr. Mallard said, “Yesterday is over, sad as that may seem. But change is the essence of life,” to Jimmy in NCIS season 19, episode 5, “Face the Strange.” The moment is so essential to the Ducky character that it was revisited in NCIS’ Ducky tribute episode. Rocked by loss, Jimmy asked Dr. Mallard to stay and help him with an autopsy, to which Ducky replied with the quote. Ducky’s words in season 19 stood out because Ducky did not comfort Jimmy by staying.

Dr. Mallard knew that Jimmy needed to adapt to the changes in his life, so he refused to stay and be with him after Gibbs left NCIS. Instead, when his successor faced losing his wife and most trusted co-workers, Ducky helped Jimmy adjust to his new reality. This seemed harsh at the time, but Ducky knew that Jimmy didn’t need someone holding his hand; he needed someone to help him understand that moving forward was much more important than looking back on what once was.

4 “If You’re Going Through Hell, Keep Going.”

NCIS Season 13, Episode 14, “Keep Going”

Ducky said, “If you’re going through hell, keep going,” in NCIS season 13, episode 14, “Keep Going,” giving Jimmy what he called one of his “all-time favorite pieces of advice.” When Abby delivered cookies to Jimmy in autopsy because he had been pouting all week, he revealed that he felt blue because his wife had left with their daughter for the week. When Ducky hears Jimmy complain, he encourages him to keep going.

Jimmy and Ducky’s “Keep Going” conversation is revisited in
NCIS
season 21, episode 2, “The Stories We Leave Behind.”

The doctor was quoting Winston Churchill with this token of wisdom. It is elemental to the episode’s message. Later, when Jimmy stood on the side of a building trying to convince a young man not to jump, he relayed his predecessor’s advice, and it was meaningful to watch Jimmy pay Ducky’s words of wisdom forward. This was easily one of Jimmy’s greatest moments on NCIS and it was proof that not only did Ducky give out the best advice, but Jimmy was always listening and learning from him.

3 “You Must Live For Today ‘Cause Yesterday Is Gone And Tomorrow May Never Come.”

NCIS Season 3, Episode 22, “Jeopardy”

Dr. Mallard told Jimmy, “You must live for today ‘cause yesterday is gone and tomorrow may never come,” in NCIS season 3, episode 22, “Jeopardy,” reminding his successor of the fleeting nature of life. The pair were working away on an autopsy when Jimmy remarked that their victim was “so young.” Ducky responded with the quote, saying it was a piece of advice from his father. Ducky revealed even more, telling his successor that his father never followed his advice.

The doctor recalled that his father was known as a “penny-pincher“ and that his frugality was one of the reasons his mother left. At one point, Ducky even called his father “Papa Scrooge“. This was a big moment as Ducky rarely talked about his own personal trauma, but here, he showed that he learned enough from his dad’s mistakes to ensure that he did things differently, which led to a much more satisfying life.

2 “You Know Abby, Sometimes The Dead Make More Sense To Me Than The Living.”

NCIS Season 1, Episode 4, “The Immortals”

A seaman and a petty officer were involved in a mysterious murder investigation, and the conclusion was so bizarre that it elicited a memorable quote from Ducky. Abby explained the death resulted from a competition that started in a video game called The Immortals and was carried out in real life. After Abby explained what happened to the victim, Ducky uttered the quote, which was so perfectly Ducky.

David McCallum’s character was known for talking to his dead victims on the NCIS autopsy slab. Ducky could often make sense of an impossible situation by getting a better understanding of his victims, trying to see the complete picture of whom a person was. When Ducky told Abby, “You know Abby, sometimes the dead make more sense to me than the living,” in NCIS season 1, episode 4, “The Immortals,” he surely meant it.

1 “If Humanity Focused Less On What Separates Us From One Another, We Would Stop Killing One Another.”

NCIS Season 7, Episode 10, “Faith”

Dr. Mallard was discussing religious politics with Dr. Jimmy Palmer when he shared this pearl of wisdom. Religion and how it can divide people was a central theme of the episode. The victim was a Marine who had converted from Christianity to Islam, which had caused rifts to form in his relationship with his family. Ducky recited the quote when Dr. Palmer questioned him about the rituals of Islam.

In the full quote in NCIS season 7, episode 10, “Faith,” Ducky said, “Perhaps if humanity focused less on what separates us from one another, and more on what we could learn from our differences, we would stop killing one another.” It was a Christmas episode, and Ducky didn’t shy away from what was on his mind that holiday. Ducky never understood living humans, and he often tried to understand them better after they die. Maybe if people tried harder to understand, there would be fewer deaths.